Any New Jokes

[Palatkik]

A proper nob head.

[Mekong]

When the Welshman said, "That was my fantasy" it wasn’t about being knocked out the 2018 World Cup qualifiers. Someone had drunk his soda.

 

Took me while to get that one until I said it in the accent of an ex-welsh girlfriend from Porhcawl 30odd years back.

 

To the uninitiated the South Wales people always add “See†to the end of many comments

[Coss]

Also helps if the uninitiated know what Fanta is

[Coss]

[Flashermac]

I found this on the Internet and felt the need to repost this so that everyone can know the truth:

 

 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. Dot Com was a comely woman; large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

 

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou cans't trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

 

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but he simply said, "How is this possible, my dear?"

 

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between the towns to send messages saying what you have for sale. And they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

 

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and they were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

 

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

 

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

 

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did so insist on drums made to work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

 

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known, and said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

 

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." (YAHOO). And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

 

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

 

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

 

And that is how it all began.

 

Al Gore has been taking credit for it for years, but this is the true story, I would never lie to you.

[Mekong]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married her cousin Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chick N. Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

[Flashermac]

[Palatkik]

[Palatkik]

[Palatkik]

Woman goes to a doctor for advice losing weight. The Doc says "Don't eat anything fatty". "what pies, chips that kind of thing?". "No, don't eat anything ..... Fatty".