Jump to content

She will never change


khunsanuk

Recommended Posts

'She will never change'. I don't know how many times I've heard that said about bargirls, or just people in general. It could very easily be 'He will never change'. I would like to discuss an aspect of this and how it pertains to bargirls. I'm sure we have all heard the saying 'You can take the girl out of the bar, but not the bar out of the girl'.

 

In the lead-up to my comments, I would like to quote a brief exchange between two fellas on a mailing list from some time ago. I won't use their real names (nicknames), but rather refer to them as 'Mike' and 'John'.

 

Mike wrote:

'She said I could buy her out any time like before but I had mistakenly taken our relationship in the year since then too seriously for that. She said sex for money was her life, all she knew since the age of sixteen'.

 

John wrote:

'You got off amazingly cheap, what a lesson! That one line "She said sex for money was her life" says it all about who she is and will ever be. I pity whoever ended up with her. She will never change. I read once that core characteristics that basically define who you are, are formed and set by 18. You may gain experience and wisdom but your character stays the same'.

 

John says above, 'She will never change'. I don't necessarily agree with that as an all-inclusive statement. Anybody can change, including bargirls. Afterall, she changed from a village girl to a bargirl, with all the relevant behaviors and mannerisms. If that isn't a major change, I don't know what is.

 

Also, John's comment that she is 'who she is and will ever be' is debatable. This lady has the ability to become whatever she wants. She, like any of us in life, just needs the opportunities/circumstances to do so. Granted, some ladies never 'escape' the life of being a bargirl. These unfortunate ones age quite quickly I believe, and once their youth and figure are gone, they just tend to fade away to some unknown destiny. It's sad, but I'm sure it happens every day.

 

I also don't think a ladies character is at issue here. We all know the primary reason why they become a bargirl in the first place - making money. This in no way reflects on their character. Sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do, and if a lady believes her only way of supporting herself and her family is by working as a bargirl, well then, she'll do it, even if reluctantly.

 

Mike's comment 'She said sex for money was her life, all she knew since the age of sixteen', is, to me, quite disturbing. Not knowing all the details of this ladies personal circumstances makes it hard to comment specifically on why she said that. I will have to make some assumptions. First off, she probably ended up working as a bargirl for the primary reason most ladies do - to make money. I don't know how old she is now, but assuming she's at least 18 or 19, possibly older, she very well could have been on the game for several years. That's plenty long enough to beecome 'accustomed' to the life of a bargirl, and to complete whatever changes she emotionally/psychologically had to go through to do so. But that doesn't mean she is so far gone into the bargirl mentality that she can't change and begin a new life as a 'new' person.

 

For her to tell Mike that he was being too serious with her after one year of seeing each other tells me that 1) she isn't seriously interested in being with him as a long-term partner, or 2) she's afraid of leaving the bar and the unknowns that await her. I don't readily accept that she has resigned herself to this life of 'sex for money', and that she feels she isn't capable of doing something else with her life.

 

I know from talking with bargirls over the years, and especially in talking with my wife, many of these ladies are indeed afraid of leaving the bars. Even if they desperately want to find a better way of life, possibly with a farang man, they have been lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of and so many other issues that make it very difficult to take that big step away from the bar with a farang man. They are afraid of the unknown, of making the wrong decision, and as making money is so crucial to them, they need to remain in control of their own destiny as best they can, and work as a bargirl offers them a 'sense' of security, at least as long as they are young and attractive to the men who patronize their bar.

 

So, can a woman like this change? Can you in fact take her from the bar and the bar from her? Yes, I believe so. If the lady was offered a 'normal' job in Thailand that would pay her as much money as she can make as a bargirl, I think most would jump on that opportunity. Unfortunately, most of these ladies don't have the education/qualifications to do any kind of work that gives them the income potential that bargirl work offers. And, by relying on a farang man to 'rescue' them from the bar, even with the promise of supporting her family, this lady is taking a risk as she is becoming dependent on this man to be true to his word to her, and she in effect loses control over her own destiny.

 

When I first met my wife and we started getting serious, she expressed her own concerns over whether I was being sincere in all the promises I was making to her. She had been used and lied to by so many farang men before me, so why should I be any different. What right did I have to ask her to give up her 'security' of work as a bargirl on the chance that I did really love her and wanted to help her improve herself as a person, and to take the responsibility upon myself to financially support her mother. It took time and dedication/devotion on my part with my words backed by action to show her that I WAS different from all those who came before me.

 

Maybe this is one reason why the lady said the things she did to Mike. She may have wanted to believe him, but based on previous experiences of her own and/or her bargirl sisters with farang men, she was afraid to take the risk of making a go with him outside the bar.

 

Sure, some ladies after becoming a bargirl actually end up having fun and enjoy their jobs. I think it's these ladies that the saying 'You can take the girl out of the bar, but not the bar out of the girl' holds true. They may meet a farang man they like, and may even love, and believe this man will take care of them and their family. But, if they go with this man (marriage) without truly being in love with him, the risk is that this lady will start missing her friends in the bars, the fun she had with them and the farang men, the freedom to do as she wanted without any restrictions on her actions, the party atmosphere working in a bar gives night after night, and on and on. These ladies indeed take the bar with them, and if they aren't truly in love and dedicated/devoted to their husband, they will start missing everything that they so enjoyed doing before.

 

Maybe these types of bargirls are the ones who can never change, but even so, I think if they had the right opportunities before them, or met a man they truly loved, they too could change back to what they were before becoming a bargirl.

 

The point is that I believe ALL bargirls can change. I also believe that when you take them out of the bar, they can in fact leave the bar behind. Personalities/character traits in these ladies are indeed formulated many years before they even have to consider work as a bargirl. The decision to 'change' who they are when deciding to become a bargirl isn't changing their personality/character. That remains with them. They are changing their behavior, and are now doing things they would never have dreamed of before (like selling their bodies to strange men they don't love), but that doesn't reflect in any way, shape, or form on their ability to change. Personalities/character traits will always remain the same; behavior, however, can be changed if the lady wants to.

 

Anyone, including bargirls, can change their behavior and attitude. I believe that when a lady makes the decision to be a bargirl, she is adjusting/changing her attitude and her behavior. I think a lot of people believe that outward behavior and attitude in some way reflects a change in personality/character, but I don't believe this is true.

 

I'm by no means a psychologist/psychiatrist, but I feel that people can, and do change. Including bargirls.

 

Cheers,

 

Bigdog

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess given the right set of circumstances anyone can change even a bar girl. Raises the point though about how long in the bar before they reach the point of no return. I have seen a classic example of two cousins same age. First one spent 3 years in Pattaya and still working down there and has no hope of ever being anything but a scammer .......oops survivor. Second one was lucky and got a sponsor within months of arriving in the scene. back home and a really sweet girl.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Key point...if they WANT to change.

 

So many find that they spread their legs and make a pile of Baht!

 

They find Mr. Good Guy and off they go. First bump in the road...guess what...they are back in the bar selling their who-haa.

 

I see so many that have been shown a different life, given (paid for) education, training, set up in business...guess what...first bump in the road...they are back in the bar selling their who-haa.

 

Extremely low percentage of BG that make the change and stay with it...from what I have seen over the past xx years.

 

TIT...up to them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just to throw in some neuroscience...

 

The brain doesn't 'set' until around 30 years old, actually the most rapid period of personality change is during the early to mid 20's. So physiologically people CAN change a lot up to around 30 years old...individual variations do of course apply.

 

Whether someone DOES change is more than likely down to their Psychological and emotional capacity to do so, which is related to the prevailing environmental conditions at the time and their earlier experiences in childhood and adolescence, which inform current and future change.

 

Anybody can change, whether they do is something else entirely.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...